Why We Broke Up: I refused to have sex with her

Why We Broke Up, a series by Pulse Nigeria, brings you the raw and real stories of people who have loved and lost. Each story narrates the accounts of what led to the end of their once-promising relationships.

This week, Tunde shares his story of a relationship cut short by a clash of desires and his commitment to his faith.

I met Amaka at a conference for students at the University of Abuja. I went with my girlfriend from Ahmadu Bello University at the time.

At the conference, Amaka and I were just friends. We chatted, sat together and after the conference we exchanged contacts. My girlfriend at the time didn’t have a problem with me making friends with Amaka. She probably trusted me and I didn’t break her trust.

By the time I graduated, things weren’t working out between us. She decided to stay in Kaduna instead of relocating to Lagos with me. We ended things, but that’s a story for another day.

When I settled in Lagos, I reconnected with Amaka, who also lived there. We hit it off right away. We had great conversations, and she’s both ambitious and fun to be around. After a few meetups at a local eatery in Okota, I decided to ask her out. She was surprised at first but asked for a month to think about it. During that time, we kept talking, and it felt like the feelings were mutual.

Finally, we met at a nicer spot in Surulere and thankfully, she said yes to us dating!

Things started out really well. I told her that I wanted to be committed to this relationship, and if things worked out well, I would want to spend the rest of my life with her. Because of my faith, I decided to set some boundaries. One of those boundaries was waiting until marriage before having sex. We also agreed to meet in public for our dates, as I wasn’t comfortable with her coming to my place yet.

She agreed. I was glad because I really wanted to approach this relationship the right way, following my religious beliefs. We met every other week at a restaurant in Okota. We’d eat, and talk, and sometimes I’d bring her gifts. Whenever I saw something I thought she’d like, I’d get it for her.

After a month of dating, she asked to visit my place. I explained that if she knew where I lived, she’d want to come over more often, and that would make it harder to stick to our agreement.

I eventually suggested we meet at my brother’s house. She agreed, and we set a date and time. I asked what she’d like to eat, and I prepared it for her.

When she came, I was really excited to see her. I turned on the generator, served her food, watched her eat, and felt completely lost in the moment.

After she finished eating, she came closer, and we started kissing. I tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t. In my mind, I was thinking, “Shebi na only kissing.” All of a sudden, she asked me to get in. I panicked and reminded her of our agreement. I told her I wasn’t prepared for that and hadn’t bought condoms. I explained that even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t have unprotected sex with someone so early in the relationship. Our relationship was just a month old.

Not so well. She was obviously upset and left. I kept apologising for what happened.

Two days later, she called, saying she wanted to see me. I knew why she wanted to meet, so we arranged to meet at our usual spot. After eating, she told me she wanted to break up, claiming she preferred chubby guys.

As soon as she mentioned breaking up, I calmly stood up and suggested we leave. On our way out, she said we could still be friends and maybe even get back together in the future. I told her clearly that a friendship was all I could offer.

When I told a few of my friends about the situation, they blamed me and called me names. They said I deserved the breakup and couldn’t believe I would “punish” a girl like that.

This experience definitely changed my perspective on relationships. For a while, I felt there was no point in trying to have standards because I got hurt. I vowed never to repeat such with any girl again, even though a part of me knew I was wrong. I convinced myself that it was better to avoid getting hurt again, even if it meant compromising my values.

My advice to anyone in a similar situation is to be honest with yourself and your partner, and also be open to compromise. If someone truly cares about you, they’ll respect your boundaries and be willing to find solutions that work for both of you.